MAYBE IT’S JUST ME but when someone disrespects my friend, they disrespect me just the same. Meaning I don’t fuck with them anymore. So when I see certain people speaking & laughing together, I cringe just trying to somehow grasp the concept on how there’s still a friendship. And I’m not talking about shallow matter like not speaking to my friends exes; I’m talking about real down to the core issues. The way friends are treating each other these days, who the hell needs enemies?
Having one of those nights where I can’t turn my brain off no matter how hard I try. So I decided to sort my thoughts by putting them into writing no matter how personal they are since I don’t expect anyone to even come across this post..I haven’t even opened tumblr up in months anyway. So to start I’ve literally been crying for an hour and I don’t know why. But I guess I do, I guess I just feel that whatever is bothering me shouldn’t be a reason to cry but I am and I feel stupid for that. You ever feel that no matter how much pure logic you use to reason with yourself and convince yourself that you are bigger than a stupid feeling..it’s just never enough to overcome it and you end up losing to that stupid feeling that you wish so bad you could shake but you can’t. No matter how much you try. Helplessness. That’s what I feel right now. Helpless to my own emotions. If that’s not pathetic then I don’t know what is. Not only that though..I feel helpless because I know that no matter what I do I will never be able to undo or change the minds of certain people about me. People who don’t even matter if I really think about it but for some reason they do matter. I know that just because someone says something about you doesn’t make it true but what if nothing you do convinces them otherwise? I’m not the person some people think I am because of what they heard about me from a certain person (who is irrelevant also, which makes the fact that I’m upset over this even more pathetic) but it just upsets me because those people won’t ever give me a chance to show them who I really am because their minds are already made up about me. In a room full of strangers, I’m even more of a stranger because the person I am is so far from the person they believe I am because of what they’ve heard. Does that make sense? It almost doesn’t if I keep thinking about it..but I think it does. I know these people’s opinions shouldn’t matter and if I knew them I probably wouldn’t like them too much anyway, I just feel like the ability to introduce myself to certain people has been taken from me and that, most of all, makes me feel like I’ve lost something that I had a right to. Its like I’ve never had a clean slate. Like my own story has been written for me already. And seeing my friends make nice with people who would probably like me just as much as them but not give me the time of day because of this one person’s lies makes me feel as if I’m not good enough. It’s a terrible feeling, knowing that the only “me” some people will ever know isn’t me at all. It shouldn’t matter but for some reason after last night..it’s all that has mattered. I wish this feeling would just go away. But it won’t. Which sucks because now I’ve given those people a power over me that they don’t deserve. So it doesn’t matter which situation I find myself in..either way I lose.